


Half a Heart

by loudippedincaramel



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Marriage Proposal, That's really it, but mostly it's angst, louis' family is talked about too, sophia and perrie are only talked about, there's a bit of fluff thrown in there, they're not actually in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-01 02:19:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2755916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loudippedincaramel/pseuds/loudippedincaramel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months after Harry's death, Louis celebrates his first Christmas without Harry with his boys. While the boys try to make it as best as it can be, Louis thinks back to the year before when things were the exact opposite. (Hint: There's a proposal)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half a Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [punkrockmeg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkrockmeg/gifts).



> yeah, so, hiiii :) I hope you don't mind but I combined your first two prompts! Hopefully it turned out pretty decent.
> 
> Also, I'd just like to say. While it was extremely painful to kill off Harry, I actually enjoyed writing this. (Did that sound bad? That sounded bad) Anyhow! Don't drink and drive or you'll make someone miserable for Christmas and probably die. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ps thanks to [Ira](http://www.xwarmwaters.tumblr.com) for looking over this for me :)

Lights flash by as Harry and Louis drive home, Top 40 playing quietly in the car. They just got done with some formal dinner and Louis is riding on a high. All things considered, that went well. Louis actually got to sit by Harry _and_ they got to interact. One small step of many leading up to their coming out.

 Harry grabs his hand and Louis looks over smiling at Harry, loving the way the street lights reflect of the younger boy's face, making it more of a golden colour than his normal white.

 Harry glances over to Louis and smiles back. "So, what are we going to do for colours? I think we should definitely do green. Maybe red to go with it? Red and green look really pretty together."

 Louis scoffs. _Of course_ he'd have to pick those. "And what? Have a Christmas wedding? I don't think so, Styles." He tries not to sound too fond, but if the smile on Harry's face is anything to go by, he's failed. Miserably.

 "Well then, what would _you_ like since you're so colour-ly inclined?"

 Louis ignores the snark, thinking that hey, he is _very_ good with colours thank you very much. "If you want cheesy, Haz, why not do green and blue?" He deepens his voice in a somewhat imitation of Harry, picking up where he left off. "Your eyes are so beautiful, Lou, I could just stare at them all day. I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean when I look at you, Lou, and I'm never sure if I want to be saved. Your eyes-"

 "Okay! Okay! Enough!" His cheeks flame red and he's giggling. "We'll do blue and green. Cause your eyes really are beautiful."

 Louis rolls said eyes and leans over to kiss the side of his mouth. "You're so weird, you're lucky I love you."

 "Love you, too, babe." He's smiling again and Louis watches as the traffic goes by, the music only adding to the peaceful feel of the car.

 Some new song comes on and it's really fun, upbeat. The music fills the car only to be interrupted by a sudden screech.

The car moves off course and there's a loud crunch. Instead of going straight, they're going sideways and his world is rotating, upside down and right again, over and over. His body is thrown around and a searing pain completely engulfs the left side of his body and his vision blurs,  nothing distinguishable but fuzzy lights.

 They finally roll to a stop and he looks over, finally able to see a bit. He screams and desperately wishes that maybe his vision is still fucked and he's not seeing right.

 He scrambles at his seatbelt, trying to get free and get to his fiancé. His fiancé whose head is  resting on the broken window, covered in blood, seeping out on to the pavement.

 He starts sobbing uncontrollably, fighting the restraints more and finally succeeds after several attempts, gently dropping down to the ground, careful not to land on Harry.

 "Haz? Haz?! Come on! Talk to me!" He gets no response as he runs his hand through his hair, smearing more blood around. He lifts his left arm to check for a pulse- well, _tries_ to lift his left arm. It won't fucking _move._

 He moves instead to his right and feels nothing under his fingertips. Nothing. Oh God. Tears cloud his vision as the sound of sirens comes closer.

 He keeps talking to Harry, babbling nonsense as he tries to get a response, running his hand through the matted curls, the same motions that used to soothe Harry when he wasn't feeling well.

 Paramedics pull him up by his arms and he screams again. Partly because of the sheer pain running through his arm and partly because they're taking him away from _Harry._

 "Sir, Sir! Are you hurt?" What a dumb question. Who gives a shit if _he's_ hurt? _Harry_ is there. Bleeding. And not breathing.

 They pull him over to the ambulance to check him out. He hears a rush of words explaining what’s wrong through the pounding in his ears. Laceration on the left shoulder. Mild concussion. Bruised ribs. All explanations as to why he's in pain. They fall on deaf ears, though, Louis far too concerned with Harry.

 A bit of static is heard and he hears another voice on the radio attached to the paramedic's shoulder. "Driver of oncoming vehicle drunk. Speeding. Collision into oncoming traffic on drivers side. Driver barely breathing. Sending him to nearest hospital."

 If Louis ever finds him, he will definitely kill him. They haven't said anything about Harry yet, though. Louis knows he wasn't breathing. He _knows_ that. He still hopes.

 "Driver of impacted vehicle not responding." No. God, please, no. "Nothing more we can do. Looks like he died on impact." _He died._ "Time of death, 21.17."

 "NO!!" Louis screams and sobs harder, completely unable to see. The two paramedics try to calm him and restrain him without hurting his injured arm.

 Louis screams and screams until his voice gives out. _He's dead._ He wasn’t supposed to die. They were never supposed to leave each other. They were finally going to be together in every sense of the word. They were going to be _married_.

 He feels a needle break his skin but he fights it. He doesn't like this needle. This needle isn't going to give him hope. Isn't going to mark his skin with love. No. This needle marks death.

 His vision darkens as the sedative works through his system. _Harry's dead._

  _*_

 

Louis wakes up screaming, drenched in sweat. Images of blood and glass and pavement and _Harry_ cloud his mind and he desperately throws himself on the other side of the bed to just _feel_ him. To just _know_ that Harry is there. All he feels is a cold mattress, though and Louis bursts into tears, reality catching up to him.

 It's been three months since Harry died. Three months of sheer torture for Louis.

 He'd been completely out of his mind after the accident. Had tried to find the driver that killed Harry. Tried to find him and _kill him_ because _he killed Harry_ and a part of Louis, too.

 Louis never succeeded, though, because when he _had_ found out who it was, it was too late. The other driver died before even reaching the hospital. Good. The only regret Louis has is that he didn't get to do it himself.

 Louis rolls back over to check the time. 7.43. So, about three hours of sleep. Awesome. He drags himself out of bed and into the kitchen to make some tea.

 Louis puts the kettle on and leans against the counter, not really taking anything in as his thoughts wander.

 Yesterday was pretty good. He got to see his brother and sisters and his mum and Dan. He even smiled once while Phoebe was playing with his hair. But then he noticed the sad look on Daisy's face as she watched them. He started crying at that because she used to braid Harry's hair while Phoebe played with his. It took a while for him to calm down, but overall he's getting better.

 Today is Christmas. Louis' first Christmas without Harry. It’s the first Christmas without Harry to wake him with a kiss and a smile. The first Christmas without the promise of breakfast to start the day. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to make it through the day.

The kettle goes off and he sets about making his tea. Everything is quiet without the usual sounds coming from the kitchen or the Christmas music that's usually playing by now and the flat seems to reflect Louis' somber mood.

 He heads to the living room and turns on the telly for some noise.

 Louis sits on the couch and stares at the empty corner by the telly where the tree usually sits. He should probably go about putting that up before the lads come over.

 He sighs around his cup, resigning to get to it after at least one more tea.

 His eyes fall on the door, memories of last Christmas Eve coming to him.

  _Louis jumps as the front door slams shut, the sound of keys being thrown into the dish by the door alerting him to Harry's presence before the other boy even speaks._

  _"Lou? You home yet? I have just had the most shit day, you wouldn't believe!" His voice is getting closer and Louis smiles._

  _"Yeah, Haz, in the bedroom!" Harry pokes his head in the door before leaning on the door frame._

  _"Did you enjoy time at your mum's? Everyone doing alright?" Louis smiles wider at that, absolutely thrilled that his boyfriend loves Louis' family like his own._

  _"Yeah, they all send love, of course. Now. Come here and give me a kiss and tell me all about this shit day you've had."_

  _Harry goes over to the bed and gives Louis a very exaggerated smack on the lips and pulls away, cheeky grin slipping on his face. Louis drags him back down for a proper kiss, clinking their teeth together and laughing into each other's mouths._

  _"Okay, so. First off, waking up without you sucks." Louis starts to interrupt but Harry keeps on. "And I know you were just at your mum's and it probably sucked for you, too, but still. Traffic was complete shit all the way. I_ finally _got to the store after an hour - an hour! - of driving only to find out they didn't have what I wanted! I ordered it with plenty of time to spare and they_ didn't bloody have it!

  _"What was it that you ordered, love?" Harry stills at that, like he hadn't meant to say anything and mumbles "Nothing for you to worry about, just a present." As much as Louis would like to press on he knows that probably means it was for him and he won't get anything out of Harry by asking. No matter how many times he does it. That's a lesson he learned long ago._

  _"Okay? So? What then?"_

  _"So. After talking to every manager there and making several unhappy phone calls, they went and looked in their extra stock_ again _to find it shoved in some back corner. Shoved! In some back corner! Like it was absolutely worthless!" Harry scoffs and sighs into Louis' shoulder, leaving a little kiss there before leaning up and continuing._

  _"Traffic was shit again on the way home and then I walked all the way up here to realize I didn't have my keys. So I went back all the way to the car, checking the entire ground the whole way and found them in my other pocket."_

  _Louis muffles a giggle in his hand, imagining the frustrated kitten look that Harry tends to get when he gets worked up. He silences his giggles as said look is directed at him, smiling fondly at him instead._

  _"Well, love. I think I know what will make you feel better." Louis pushes Harry on his back as he slides down his body._

  _He hears Harry's breath hitch as he works him up, reveling in the thought that after this, Harry won't care about how shit the rest of his day was. All he'll care about is his wonderful boyfriend taking care of him when, usually, it's the other way around._

 Louis shakes his head of the memory, wiping off a few tears that trailed down his cheeks. He swallows down the rest of his tea in one large gulp, wincing at how cold it had gotten.

 He leaves the empty mug on the table, deciding his second cup will have to wait. Right now he needs a distraction.

 After a good ten minutes he finds the tree shoved back in the far corner of the closet in the spare room and gets to work.

 As far as distractions go, it works pretty well. This is normal. Every year he'd put up the tree and Harry would decorate it. It takes Louis a bit longer than it probably should but he finally manages to get it done. He stands and admires his work, allowing a small smile onto his face.

 At least he's not completely useless without Harry. He can still manage to put up a tree anyways.

 Louis glances up at the clock, just barely after nine.

 He makes a quick call to his mum to see how everyone liked their Christmas and after a few well wishes from her, goes to take a nap on the couch.

 He falls asleep to some old Christmas special playing, the sound of happy children singing carols lulling him to sleep.

 *

 

Louis wakes up about an hour later from a very restless sleep. He sits up and rubs at his eyes, checking the time.

 He used to not worry about time so much. Back when it was just a thing that existed. Back when the time would fly and never matter.

 Now it mocks him. Every second that ticks by. Every minute. All just a reminder. Time is there. Always. Just ticking away. The only _real_ constant in life.

 He sighs and grabs his empty mug off the table, going to dump it in the sink. He washes the few dishes in the sink, smiling at the thought of what Harry would say. Imagines the way he would tease him for cleaning. The way he would come up behind Louis and wrap his arms around his waist, rest his head on Louis’ shoulder as he worked.

 Louis jolts at the thought and immediately stops. He throws the plate he’s currently holding into the sink like it personally offended him and takes a sick pleasure in the dull _thunk_ it makes.

 “What the _fuck._ ” Louis grumbles. “Can’t I have a _moments fucking peace_ without you bothering the shit out of me?!” He yells at nothing. “I already think about you _all the fucking time!_ Can’t I just wash the fucking dishes without you bugging me? Fuck. You know what? _Fuck you_ , Harry. Just-”

 Louis angrily wipes the tears off his face and goes to take a shower. The lads will be there soon and he doesn’t want to look like too much of a mess.

 He turns the water on as hot as it will go, stepping in as soon as he’s stripped. The heat from the water scalds his skin in punishment. Maybe it’s not the best way to cope but he does this every time he “yells” at Harry. The pain the water causes makes him feel better. Louis imagines Harry would feel like this if he really were here for Louis to yell at.

 Louis scrubs himself rougher than necessary, adding to the feeling of his skin burning. He scrubs even harder on his left arm until he can actually feel it.

 There’s a scar on his left shoulder from where the seatbelt cut into him during the accident. The doctors said it cut deep, all the way to the muscle. He also managed to fuck up the nerves in his arm, too, so now there’s a numb feeling all the time.

 Thankfully, the arm still works fine. But it never really feels like it’s _there_. Louis thinks it’s quite poetic.

 Harry was always his left. The nearly blank canvas of his left arm is his constant reminder. It only seems fitting that it would “die” along with Harry. He lost his other half in the accident, why not have a living reminder of that?

 Louis turns off the water, grabbing a towel and pauses to check his reflection on the way out. His skin is completely flushed. A bright red that will probably take a while to fade. Shaking his hair out of his eyes he makes his way to the bedroom for some clothes.

 Louis looks at a picture on the wall by the closet. It’s of Harry laying on the couch, pouting because Louis wouldn’t come over to him. Harry had just got a new camera and spent the better part of the day taking pictures of Louis, sometimes with Harry in them but most of the time not. After several complaints and way too many pictures later, Louis had grabbed the camera from him and started taking pictures of everything but himself.

 Louis reaches out to touch the picture, letting his fingers linger on Harry’s face. Sometimes, it’s enough. To just, reach out. And know that Harry _was_ there. Even if he isn’t now. Most of the time it isn’t though. Louis feels an ache spread through his chest, crushing him in a painful reminder that, now, this is all Louis gets.

 His throat gets tight, a lump forming and tears spring to his eyes. He fights them back, not wanting to cry right now. Not wanting his vision to be blurred so he can’t see Harry. It may not be much, but damn it, he’s going to enjoy looking at his fiancé. His husband, though they were never married.

 “I’m so sorry, Haz.” he chokes out. “I’m so sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” Tears are falling down now and he does nothing to stop it. He deserves it. He shouldn’t get to look at Harry when Louis himself is being so selfish. He _knows_ it’s not Harry’s fault that he’s not there but sometimes Louis just lashes out. “I’m sorry, love. Please. Please forgive me. I love you. I’m not mad at you. I’m not.”

 Louis is full on sobbing now, leaning against the frame and mumbling apologies to the glass. Times like this, Harry used to hug him tight, run his hands through Louis’ hair and whisper sweet words to him. _“It’s alright, boo. It’s okay. It all turns out alright in the end.”_ Louis swears he can feel him, _hear_ him. Normally, this would make him cry harder but right now, it’s a comfort he needs and he _needs_ to get his shit together before the lads show up.

 They’re used to his breakdowns, of course, but after the last one Louis made sure they were never around for the really bad ones. Louis has a feeling about today, though. Something just tells him that it’s bound to happen. It _is_ his first Christmas without Harry. It’s not like it’s going to be perfect.

 He grabs the first sweater he reaches from the left side of the closet and throws it on, inhaling deep and imagining he can smell Harry. He doesn’t though and part of him is thankful. At least he can have a reminder of Harry without feeling like he’s being physically assaulted by the memory.

 Louis throws on some sweats and heads back out into the kitchen to put the kettle on for another cup, thinking it’ll probably help him calm down before anyone gets there.

 *

 Liam is the first to show up.

 Louis opens the door at the knock, nearly getting knocked out of the way by Liam as he rushes to the kitchen, several bags hanging off of him.

 "Jesus, Li. Did you bring your whole house?" He moves to help Liam with the bags, putting the presents in the other room while Liam stocks his fridge.

 "Hey, Lou? What all have you eaten today?" He can hear the worry laced with annoyance in Liam’s voice.

 “Lou?” He repeats louder, a stern look in his eye as he leans on the frame of the doorway. “When’s the last time you ate, Lou? Last night?” Silence. “Yesterday afternoon? Breakfast?”

 “Damn it, Liam! I don’t know!” Louis feels guilt twist in his stomach even as his blood boils. The relief he feels immediately after yelling is quickly replaced by the guilt eating away at his insides. “Yesterday morning I had some toast. And the day before I had something for tea. I eat, damn it.”

 Liam comes over and gives him a hug. “Well, alright then. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I know. Sorry, Li.” The moment is saved when the door bursts open with a very cheerful looking Irishman coming in.

“Hello, lads! Hope you haven’t started havin’ fun without me!”

Louis grins and gives Niall a big hug that quite honestly, isn’t just his fault. Apparently Niall has missed him more than he realized because he’s hugging Louis so tight it’s actually getting tough to breathe.

“Niall.  _Niall.”_  He wheezes out, but Niall apparently doesn't hear him.

“For fucks sake, Niall. Let the poor lad go. He looks like he’s turning purple.” Niall lets him go at that with a sheepish smile and heads off to the kitchen, no doubt to bug Liam while he cooks.

Louis wheezes out a thanks to Zayn, his saviour, and gives him a small hug as well.

Louis and Zayn jump at a crash from the kitchen and laugh as they hear Liam yelling at Niall to get out.

Ten seconds later and said boy is bouncing out of the kitchen like he wasn’t just in trouble.

“Hey, Lou? Got any decorations for that tree? It’s looking a bit naked over there.”

Louis blinks a couple of times, completely caught off guard by the request, although, he really shouldn’t have been surprised. 

“Uhm, yeah. Should be in the spare room closet.”  Niall bounces away to find them just as the smell of frying meat catches his attention. His stomach rumbles rather loudly and yeah, okay, so maybe Louis shouldn’t wait so long in between eating.

Zayn shoots him a look but nothing is said as Niall comes back and they get to work on decorating the tree.

*

Lunch is ready halfway through finishing decorating the tree. Liam made fajitas. The same meal they’d have every year for Christmas lunch. Louis smiles and thanks Liam, forcing the food down.  
  
It tastes good, honestly. And his stomach is more than happy for the sustenance, but it turns the whole way down, kicking and screaming till it’s forced to stay still by the acid in his stomach.

 Liam keeps looking at him like he knows what Louis is thinking, an apology in his eyes. _I’m sorry I’m not Harry._

 Louis wonders if maybe the other boys think of Harry half as much as he does. It’s selfish to hope they don’t. It’s also probably true. They all have their other lives to get on with. Harry was Louis' life. Still is.

 Louis watches as the boys finish the tree, admiring the personality it shows. On one side, clearly done by Zayn, everything is put together with purpose, a beautiful sort of effect. The other side is chaotic and random, also pretty but in a very unique way. Liam obviously finished up the top. The ornaments there are organized but they lack the sort of connection and sense of belonging that Zayn's had. Liam's part looks pretty together or separate whereas Zayn's looks like a puzzle. The finishing piece shows the true beauty but the individual pieces look out of place.

 Niall turns the telly to a channel playing Christmas music and before Louis knows what's happening he's being drug up by Niall and his arms are flailing around in a very uncoordinated and ridiculous dance.

 Louis lets a small laugh escape and he sees the smile in Niall's eyes before his mouth ever moves.

 "That's it, Tommo! Let loose! Smile a little." Louis does smile at that, thankful more than ever for his friends.

 He looks over to see Liam, and to his surprise, Zayn dancing just as ridiculously and he lets out a loud laugh at them. It feels foreign and he wants to take it back. It just doesn't feel right, to be laughing without Harry.

 Zayn and Liam widen their eyes in surprise and nearly break their faces grinning, though, so Louis tries to enjoy the moment. He'll make it up to Harry later.

 Niall does a ridiculous spin trade off and suddenly Louis is dancing with Liam. Liam dips him as soon as Louis is in his arms and Louis squeals with delight. They start dancing a crazy sort of waltz and nearly knock into the tree.

 Zayn starts to scold them because "Hey! We worked hard on that! You're not gonna go and fuck it uh-up!" The last of his words nearly failing because Niall decided to dip him at that point and in the haste to right himself, Zayn knocked into the table, losing his footing and falls, bringing Niall down on top of him.

 Louis laughs at them and the look on Zayn's face makes him laugh even harder. He ends up in tears, grasping at his sides he's laughing so hard. After the shock of seeing Louis actually enjoy himself, the others join in. It's so ridiculous but Louis can't stop laughing, no matter how hard he tries.

 He lunges at the boys on the floor and jumps on top of Niall, knocking both the laughter and the breath out of them. "Zayn pile!" He laughs again at the childishness of it all and is finally able to stop after Liam throws himself on top of Louis.

 They all lay there catching their breath for a minute before crawling their way off and sprawling across various surfaces in the room.

 Louis smiles up at the ceiling from his place on the couch, a warm feeling working it's way into his chest. "Thanks, guys. I needed that."

 After they all catch their breath, they get back up and resume their random 'dancing'. The sweet sound of Elvis fills the room as he starts singing about a blue Christmas. Louis tears up but manages to keep them in even as his arms go slack and the smile falls off his face.

 A pair of arms snake around his waist and he jumps, one hand coming up to pull him into the chest in front of him. He looks up to see Zayn smiling sadly at him, looking a little teary eyed himself.

 "I'm sorry." He mumbles and sniffles into the shirt in front of him, trying desperately to rid himself of the near crippling nostalgia.

 They're not the arms he wants, and Zayn knows that, but he holds tightly and sways along anyway.

 It feels like it’s been forever since Louis' been held like this. Like someone cares. Like someone actually _notices_ he's there.

 Ever since Harry died, Louis has felt like he's stopped existing. He knows the others notice him, but it feels more like they notice him like they notice the tree in the room. Something pretty to look at, to make someone smile for just a second, but in the end it's just something taking up space that will eventually go away.

 His heart clenches at the thought of being so utterly replaceable. Forgettable. Thrown out when it's too worn or broken. When _he's_ too broken. A sob escapes, completely against Louis' will and Zayn hugs him tighter.

 "I love you, guys. Please don't leave me." Zayn stills at that, bringing Louis' face up to meet his.

 "What are you talking about, Lou? Of course we're not leaving you."

 "Harry said that, too. Said he'd never leave me. Said I'd never have to be alone." Zayn looks helplessly at the others as Louis buries himself back into Zayn's chest. They look just as lost as he is though so he starts rubbing circles on the smaller boy's back, trying to soothe him and get him to breathe more than the few ragged breaths he manages between choking on tears.

 "Lou, you know Harry didn't want to leave you. It's not his fault." Niall and Liam come up beside Louis and wrap their arms around him.

 "Yeah." Niall's breath hits his neck from where he's snuggled into Louis' neck. "Harry loved you." Louis whimpers at the past tense. " _Loves you."_ He corrects. "From wherever that bastard ended up, I'm sure he's looking over you and misses you just as much."

 That makes sense really. Well, no. But it does feel like Harry's still there sometimes. Like he's still taking care of Louis. Like when he imagines Harry comforting him when he's sad. When he swears he can feel Harry pressed up against him when he finally manages to fall asleep.

 Louis has always wished ghosts exist, thought it would be cool to meet one. He still does but for an entirely different reason. Now he wishes they really existed so he could still have Harry.

 Maybe then he wouldn't feel so crazy when he calls out for him. Forgets that Harry is gone and talks to him like he's sitting on the couch beside him.

 Louis sniffles one last time and straightens, dislodging the boys around him. “Hey, it’s almost time for dinner, yeah? Is there anything you guys need help with?”

Liam chuckles and lets the subject change slide. “One, I’m not letting you near anything till it’s done and ready to be eaten. Two, dinner's not for another hour. So, I’ll go start it in a bit.”

“Movies, then? I think there's a few specials they haven't managed to play yet."

*

 Everything stays calm and Louis doesn't have any more issues for a while, which, all things considered he feels pretty damn proud of himself.

 "So, what's new with you guys? I feel like everyone always talks about me."

 "Perrie's gotten some more wedding stuff done. If she keeps going like this, all we'll have to worry about is people doing shit the right way then we're good." Louis smiles at that, happy that things are turning out alright for them.

 A flare of anger surges up in his chest because _he_ was going to be married first. A full three months before Zayn and Perrie. He pushes it down and tells himself to be happy for Zayn. Just because he doesn't get his happy ever after doesn't mean they shouldn't.

 "That's wonderful, Zayn. Things can still change, though." He notices the sad look in Zayn's eyes and quickly adds "I mean, she could wake up three months" _ignore it_ "before the wedding and decide everything is wrong. Want to completely change everything." They all laugh at the horrified look on Zayn, watching as he shakes his head frantically.

 "For the love of God, Lou. Don't even joke about that!" They all laugh harder at that, offering small reassurances that she _probably_ won't.

 Liam clears his throat, a sheepish look across his face, “So um, I proposed to Sophia.” Louis’ congratulations come out bitterly even as Liam gets a high five from Niall from where he's sitting across from him and Zayn offers a small "congratulations" and a hug.

 "So. Come on, Payno. What'd she say?" That startles a laugh out of Liam and he blushes. "Of course she said yes. Did you think she'd turn me down?"

 "Oh no, not at all." Louis starts dragging his fork around on his plate, barely listening to Niall as he goes on about meeting up with some people to produce.

 "It's just really nice to get back into it, you know? Like, even just writing feels great even though I know I won't be the one singing it." Well, of course not.

 None of them would probably ever sing again. Professionally, of course. It'd be stupid to _never_ sing. But they all agreed when their management had asked them. No, they didn't want to continue without Harry. No, not even for special events. The one thing they did agree on was releasing a greatest hits as a tribute to Harry.

 Dinner finishes up without any distractions (like Louis losing his shit again) and before Louis knows it, they're headed out the door and hugging him, wishing him good night.

 Hugs are passed around and Louis makes sure to tell each of them to be safe and that he loves them. He's learned that everything can seem fine and be the complete opposite in a span of less than a minute.

 After a gentle reminder from Liam to eat more and another life threatening hug from Niall (that Zayn has to rescue him from _again_ ) he's left alone in his flat.

 The feeling he'd been pushing down since Liam's announcement at dinner starts creeping up and Louis makes his way to the bedroom. He puts on a mix cd Harry made him. At the time, Louis had teased him endlessly for using their own songs, laughing at how cheesy Harry could be.  Now though, he sleeps with it playing on repeat when he’s had an especially bad day. Sure, it’s weird. But Louis pretends Harry is right there with him, singing him to sleep.

 Louis is happy for the boys, he really is. He’s really happy that they get their forever after or whatever the fuck they want to call it. He supposes that even through all the crap, all the lying and hiding. All the pretending and fighting, he got his forever without the after. He still had what some strive their whole lives to find. A smile slips on his face and he allows himself to feel happy. Even without Harry here, as much as it sucks now, Louis wouldn’t trade it for the world. Well, he’d certainly prefer Harry be here but he knows he was lucky.

 Liam proposed. “ _I love you, Lou. You know that, right?”_ Zayn is getting married. _“Of course, babe. What’s wrong?”_ Soon enough Zayn and Liam are going to have their own family. _“Nothing’s wrong. I’ve got your birthday present for you.”_ Louis smiles at the memory, remembering how a grin had stretched all across Harry’s face as he left the bed to go dig through his jeans. _“It’s here, I know it.” More digging and he holds up a box in triumph. “Got it!”_

 Louis settles down on the bed, slipping an arm under his head as he looks at the picture on the nightstand. _“Louis, before I give you this, I just want to say. I love you so much. I can’t even begin to say it.” Louis hold his breath, feeling like this is momentous and wanting to hear every word. “You make me sane in this crazy life we have. Give me a reason to push through. You hold so much power over me and give me purpose.”_ Tears start to fall down Louis’ cheeks and his lip trembles, shaking with the force of holding in his tears.

  _“You’re the arrow to my heart, the rope to my anchor-. Breathe, Lou, you’re turning purple.” Louis laughs out his breath, taking a few deep ones to make up for the lack of oxygen. “You- stop it! I’m trying to be serious!” Louis stops the face he was pulling and puts on his most serious face he can. “Right. Sorry, love. Carry on.” Harry smacks his chest at that, laughing at how ridiculous Louis looks. “Okay. You’re the compass to my ship and my forever. And I know with you I’ll always find my way home. Will you make me the happiest man ever and let me be your forever, too?” He gives Louis the box to open then and Louis gasps when he opens it._

  _He kind of figured this is where it was going but it’s still so.. surreal. A simple silver band is sat in the box, looking so innocent. Like it’s not going to change his life. Right in the middle are two gems laid next to each other on either side of a twist in the metal. A sapphire and an emerald. “Well, don’t leave me hanging!” Louis laughs at that. Leave it to Harry. “A hundred percent. Yes.” He throws himself at Harry and kisses him over and over. “I love you, too. You’re so damn cheesy.” Harry laughs again and hugs Louis tight to his chest. “Let’s take a picture to celebrate, yeah?” Louis lets Harry slip the ring on his fourth finger, smiling the whole time. “Yeah, definitely.”_

 The picture on the nightstand is the one they took. Louis is kissing Harry, lips upturned in the corner from trying not to smile, left hand raised and middle finger extended. _“For all those who disagree. I don’t give a fuck about them. It’s just you and me, love. Ready?” Harry kisses him again and pulls back just enough to speak to Louis’ lips. “Forever, babe. You’re never getting rid of me now.”_

 Louis lets the tears fall, closing his eyes as he wills himself to sleep. He finally manages after what seems like forever, music still playing softly in the room. Just then, as it does most nights, Louis feels a warmth against his back. He reaches back behind him, feeling nothing but air. He buries his head in the pillow, inhaling deep and counting back from ten.

 He turns his head again and sighs. The warmth is gone but Louis still pretends. “I love you, Haz. You’re still my forever.” _I love you, Lou._ his mind whispers back.

 Louis lays there for a while longer until Harry’s voice finally lulls him to sleep, tear tracks stained on his cheeks. _I’m half a heart without you._

**Author's Note:**

> Come [yell at](http://www.loudippedincaramel.tumblr.com) me :)


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